Two days ago, on the tuesday, i stayed home for the whole day. The 118 shop computer not working and i could not do any work. I have workers' annual tax to study on how to submit.
Somehow my dropbox was messed up by me and i could not really understand the tax submission procedures. I was frustrating and get angry with myself for being so stupid and slow in understanding. I was really wondering why i could not understand things at a faster speed like others. Well, i am just not like them. So this is me! The inability to do my job well made me mentally disturbed. I did not want to rely on J for small and big things. I really wish i can do things without have to call him to have the confidence to carry out the task. He is just too poor thing to have to listen to me nagging abt my unhapiness towards the job and had him settle for me for anything i had not done well.
Well, at night after dinner, i was feeling hopeless and depressed. The world seemed coming to an end for me. I can imgine how can i be happy for the rest of my life. However, i remembered God had not forsaken me before. I felt a raising faith from my heart to believe Him even in darkest moment.
Yesterday, i went to GMB meeting. When steve on the song, this is the air i breath, i began to feel the hunger for His presence and i felt God in the room. I began to cry and the fire of God burnt in my diaphram. I felt the contraction and pain. I know God is cleansing me and purifying me with His fire.
I cired, laughed and cried to the Heavenly Father as i felt that i was not loved by my own earthly Father. Then i heard God saying that He is the one created me and i belonged to Him. My earthly Father is just somebody that God put Him as my father. However, i know that i supposed to love him still. God desires me to forgave and honour my earthly father. But i should know that my Heavnly Father loves me more and that He is the one truely loves me deeply. He sent His one and only son to die on the cross for me. Thank you my heavenly Father for the revelation. This revelation woke me up from my sorrow. Of course, when i cried, i laughed again, the laughter was from God the healing stream of joy.
I sat up on my chair as i felt better. After awhile, i began to cry again as i saw my own earthly Fatehr's face and reminded that he did not want to buy me presence of gold for my marriage. Then God told me that :"you will see how i am gonna bless you" "since your earthly father is not gonna bless you" I began to laugh as i heard that. A gush of joy ran into my heart. I was happy and felt the peace and love from my heavenly Father.
From there on i stayed in the presence of God and at one time i think God is speaking about the wind of the Holy Spirit. As i see ACTS in my mind and felt that the Holy Spirit, a current run through my mind and body. I know that is from God as i experience that before.
Well, maybe the wind of God is coming like the acts. What we are experiecing at GMB meeting is really kidergarden level. There are primary, secndary, jc and uni level. God show us more.
Well, on the tuesday God spoke to me through the mp3 bible i had downloaded free from internet. It is about the story of the blind man who called out to Jesus" Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me." Jesus heard him and asked him, " what do you want from me?" He gave an exact answer. Well, many of the times God wants us to be clear with what we exactly want and asked for it. For me, i would like to ask that J and i love God wiht all our heart, mind, soul and all our strenghth." and well now i would said that i can blessed many many ppl and gave glory unto Him.
Another story God spoke to me to encourage me is when Jesus was sleeping and the wond started to roar at sea. The disciples began to afraid and woke up JESUS. Jesus asked why are they so faithless. Immediately i felt God is encouraging me to believe Him although the situation at work place seemed like the roaring wind of the sea but as i trust in Him, the wind will ceased.
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